Top 10 'Connection-Before-Correction' Phrases to practice for toddlers who won't listen - Goh Ling Yong
You’re at the playground. The sun is setting, tummies are rumbling, and it’s time to go home. You cheerfully announce, “Five more minutes!” and then, the dreaded, “Okay, time to go!” Your toddler, who was just a moment ago a laughing angel on the swings, transforms. They drop to the ground, a puddle of tears and fury, screaming, “NO!”
Every parent has been there. That moment when your sweet child seems to have unplugged their ears, refusing to listen to a single word you say. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and can make you feel utterly powerless. We often default to repeating ourselves, raising our voices, or issuing threats of lost privileges. But what if there’s a better way? What if the key to getting your toddler to listen isn’t about commanding their obedience, but about capturing their heart first?
This is the core principle of ‘Connection-Before-Correction.’ It’s a powerful parenting philosophy built on a simple truth: children are far more likely to cooperate with adults they feel connected to. Instead of jumping straight to the correction (“Stop that!” or “We have to go now!”), we first take a moment to connect with their emotional world. It’s about building a bridge of understanding before we ask them to walk across it. This approach doesn't just manage behavior in the short term; it builds a foundation of trust and respect that will last a lifetime.
So, how do you put this into practice when you’re in the heat of the moment? It starts with the words you choose. Here are 10 connection-focused phrases you can start practicing today to transform those power struggles into moments of cooperation.
1. “You seem so [sad/angry/frustrated]. I get it.”
This is the cornerstone of emotional validation. When a toddler is overwhelmed by a big feeling, their logical brain (the prefrontal cortex) is completely offline. They are pure emotion. Trying to reason with them or command them in this state is like trying to teach physics to a goldfish. Before you can address the behavior, you must first acknowledge the feeling behind it.
Using a simple phrase like, “You seem so angry right now,” tells your child three crucial things: I see you, your feelings are valid, and I’m here with you. You aren’t judging their emotion as “good” or “bad”; you are simply naming it. This act of naming helps them develop emotional literacy and calms their nervous system. Only when they feel seen and understood can they begin to move out of that reactive state and become receptive to your guidance.
- Instead of: “Stop crying! It’s not a big deal.”
- Try this: Kneel down to their level, make gentle eye contact, and say softly, “You seem so sad that we have to leave the park. I get it. It’s hard to leave when you’re having fun.”
- Tip: If you’re not sure what the emotion is, you can make a guess. “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated with that puzzle.” If you’re wrong, they’ll often correct you, which is still a win for connection!
2. “I see you’re having so much fun with [the blocks]. It’s hard to stop.”
Imagine you’re deep in a fantastic book, and someone walks in and says, “Stop reading. Time to do the dishes. Now.” You’d feel jarred and annoyed, right? A toddler’s play is their work. It’s deeply important and engaging to them. When we interrupt without acknowledging their world, we create resistance.
This phrase validates their present experience. You’re not just seeing a kid making a mess with blocks; you’re seeing a master architect building a magnificent tower. By acknowledging their joy and focus, you’re telling them that what they care about matters to you. This small act of empathy makes them feel respected. It bridges the gap between their world and your agenda, making the transition to the next task feel less like a demand and more like a team effort.
- Instead of: “Stop playing with those blocks and come to the table for dinner.”
- Try this: “Wow, I see you’re building an amazing, tall tower! It looks like you’re having so much fun with those blocks. In two minutes, it will be time to clean up for dinner. It’s hard to stop when you’re in the middle of a project.”
3. “Can you show me how you’re doing that?”
This is a magical phrase for diffusing a potentially tense situation and redirecting energy. It’s a powerful tool for connection because it shows genuine interest. By asking your toddler to be the expert, you empower them and shift the dynamic from a power-over struggle to a collaborative interaction.
Whether they are precariously climbing the sofa or smearing paint with a bit too much enthusiasm, taking a moment to join them shows you’re on their side. In my work with families, something I, Goh Ling Yong, often emphasize is that curiosity is a parent’s superpower. Getting curious instead of furious can completely change the tone. This phrase invites you into their world, allowing you to gently guide their activity from the inside rather than trying to control it from the outside.
- Instead of: “Get down from there right now!”
- Try this: “Wow, you climbed up there all by yourself! Can you show me how you’re holding on so tight? Let’s find a safer way to climb together. How about we make a pillow mountain on the floor?”
4. “Wow, you’re using a BIG voice! Let’s try our tiny mouse voices.”
Toddlers are loud. Their volume control is still under development, and sometimes a shriek is the only way they know how to express a big need or emotion. Shushing them or shouting “Be quiet!” often just escalates the situation and can introduce a layer of shame.
This phrase, on the other hand, is playful and shame-free. It acknowledges the volume without judgment (“BIG voice”) and then offers a fun, alternative game (“tiny mouse voices”). It turns a potential conflict into a moment of play. This redirection works because it meets their need for expression and power but channels it into a more acceptable format. You’re not shutting them down; you’re teaching them about context and modulation in a way that feels like a game.
- Instead of: “Stop screaming! You’re hurting my ears.”
- Try this: Cover your ears playfully and say with a grin, “Whoa, that’s a powerful lion roar! That’s a great outside voice. Inside, let’s see if we can use our whispery kitten voices. Can you meow quietly for me?”
5. “I won’t let you hit me. Hitting hurts. We can hit this pillow instead.”
Connection does not mean permissive parenting. It is absolutely essential to hold firm, clear boundaries, especially around safety. The key is to do it with calm, confident energy, not anger. This three-part phrase is the gold standard for gentle boundary setting.
First, you state the boundary clearly and personally: “I won’t let you hit me.” Second, you provide a simple, empathetic reason: “Hitting hurts.” This teaches cause and effect and builds empathy. Third, and most importantly, you redirect the impulse to a safe alternative: “You can hit this pillow.” This honors the feeling (anger, frustration) and the physical impulse behind the action, teaching your child that while the feeling is okay, the harmful action is not. You’re providing a ‘yes’ for their energy.
- Instead of: “No hitting! That’s naughty! Go to your room.”
- Try this: Gently but firmly catch their hand. Look them in the eye and say calmly, “I won’t let you hit. Hitting hurts people. If you feel like hitting, you can come and hit this cushion as hard as you can.”
6. “It looks like you want the red cup. Your sister is using it.”
Toddlers are egocentric by nature; they genuinely struggle to see things from another person’s perspective. When a conflict arises over a toy or a cup, our instinct is to mediate by declaring who is right or wrong. A more effective approach is to become a neutral sports commentator, simply narrating the facts of the situation.
This phrase helps your child understand the social dynamic without blame. It validates their desire (“you want the red cup”) and then states a simple, neutral fact (“your sister is using it”). This ‘sportscasting’ buys you time, helps your toddler process the situation, and lays the groundwork for teaching problem-solving skills like waiting, asking for a turn, or finding another option.
- Instead of: “Stop grabbing! It’s her turn. You need to learn to share.”
- Try this: “I see two kids who both want the same truck. Tom, it looks like you want the truck. And Sarah, you are using it right now. This is a tricky problem.” Then you can move to, “Hmm, what should we do?”
7. “Hmm, that’s a tricky problem. What do you think we should do?”
This is one of the most empowering phrases you can use. So often, we rush in to solve our children’s problems for them. By pausing and framing the situation as a “tricky problem,” you externalize the issue. It’s not you versus your child; it’s you and your child versus the problem.
Inviting them to brainstorm solutions, even if their ideas are silly (“Let’s fly to the moon!”), shows that you trust their mind and value their input. It builds critical thinking and problem-solving skills. Of course, a two-year-old won’t come up with a perfect solution, but you can guide them. The goal isn’t to find the perfect answer, but to engage in a collaborative process.
- Instead of: “You can’t wear your sandals, it’s raining. Put on your boots now.”
- Try this: “You really want to wear your sparkly sandals, but I see it’s wet and rainy outside. Hmm, this is a tricky problem. We need to keep your feet warm and dry. What do you think we should do?” (You can then offer two acceptable choices, like boots or sneakers).
8. “Do you want to put on your shoes by yourself, or do you need my help?”
Toddlers have a fierce, biological drive for autonomy and independence. They want to feel in control of their bodies and their world. Many power struggles are simply a toddler’s clumsy attempt to assert this need. A brilliant way to honor this drive while still accomplishing the necessary task is to offer limited, appropriate choices.
This phrase works because both options lead to the desired outcome: the shoes go on. But by giving them a choice in how it happens, you give them a sense of power and agency. This is a core concept that we, at Goh Ling Yong's practice, encourage parents to adopt. It respects their developmental stage and drastically reduces resistance because they feel like they are an active participant, not a passive recipient of your commands.
- Instead of: “Put your shoes on. I said, put them on NOW.”
- Try this: “It’s time to leave. Do you want to wear the red boots or the blue sneakers?” or “Time to brush teeth. Do you want to hop like a bunny to the bathroom or slither like a snake?”
9. “Let’s do it together.”
Sometimes, a task just feels too big, too boring, or too overwhelming for a small child. They may resist not out of defiance, but out of a feeling of “I can’t.” The phrase “Let’s do it together” is a warm, supportive invitation that can melt away that resistance. It transforms a lonely chore into a moment of connection.
This communicates that you are on their team. You’re not just a boss giving orders; you’re a helper and a partner. You can clean up the blocks together, you can put the pyjamas on together (you do one leg, they do the other), or you can walk to the car holding hands together. This sense of teamwork is incredibly motivating for young children and reinforces your bond.
- Instead of: “I told you to clean up your toys three times!”
- Try this: “Wow, that’s a lot of toys to clean up. It looks like a big job. Let’s do it together! I’ll get all the blue blocks, and you can get all the red ones.”
10. “I hear you. You don’t want to leave. What should be our special goodbye?”
Transitions are notoriously difficult for toddlers. Their brains aren’t yet equipped to switch gears smoothly. This phrase provides a beautiful three-step formula for navigating those tricky moments with grace.
First, you acknowledge their desire and validate their feeling: “I hear you. You don’t want to leave.” This is pure connection. Second, you state the firm, non-negotiable boundary: “It is time to go now.” Third, you empower them by offering a choice within the boundary, often through a small ritual: “What should be our special goodbye?” This could be a special wave to the swings, one last slide, or a race to the car. The ritual provides predictability and a sense of control, making the difficult transition much more manageable.
- Instead of: Dragging them away while they are screaming.
- Try this: “I know, you wish we could stay at the library all day. I hear you. Our time is up now, and we have to go home. Should we say goodbye to the fish tank or give the big comfy chair a special hug before we go?”
The Journey of Connection
Mastering these phrases won’t happen overnight. There will still be days when you’re tired, your toddler is cranky, and you default to the old habits of demands and threats. That’s okay. The goal is not perfection; it's progress.
Think of ‘Connection-Before-Correction’ as a practice, like learning a new language. At first, it feels clunky and unnatural. But with repetition, these phrases will start to feel more authentic, and you’ll begin to see a remarkable shift in your relationship with your child. You’ll find more cooperation, more laughter, and fewer tears (from both of you!). You'll be building a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding, one connecting phrase at a time.
What are your go-to phrases for connecting with your toddler? Try one of these this week and let us know how it goes in the comments below. We’d love to hear your story
About the Author
Goh Ling Yong is a content creator and digital strategist sharing insights across various topics. Connect and follow for more content:
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