Top 16 'Power-Struggle-Proof' Parenting Phrases to practice at home for Navigating the Toddler Years with Calm - Goh Ling Yong
The scene is all too familiar. You're at the playground, the sun is beginning to set, and you’ve given the five-minute warning. Then the two-minute warning. Then the “okay, last slide!” warning. Yet, when the moment of truth arrives, your sweet, adventurous toddler transforms into a rigid, screaming powerhouse of defiance. Their little body goes limp, they shout "NO!" with a passion that could rival a warrior's battle cry, and you feel the eyes of every other parent on you. This, my friends, is the toddler power struggle in its purest form.
If you’re nodding along, know this: you are not alone. The toddler years are a beautiful, chaotic whirlwind of burgeoning independence. Your child isn't trying to be "bad"; they are trying to figure out who they are and how much control they have over their own little world. Their brains are wired to push boundaries and test limits. Understanding this is the first step. The second, and perhaps most crucial, is upgrading your communication toolkit. The words we use have the power to either ignite a power struggle or extinguish it before it even begins.
Here at Goh Ling Yong's blog, we are passionate about equipping parents with practical, connection-focused strategies. It's not about "making" your child obey; it's about inviting cooperation and teaching them valuable life skills along the way. We’ve compiled 16 "power-struggle-proof" phrases that can help you navigate these tricky years with more calm, confidence, and connection. Practice them, make them your own, and watch the dynamic in your home begin to shift.
1. "Do you want to [Option A] or [Option B]?"
This is the holy grail of toddler parenting phrases. Toddlers crave a sense of control. Their entire day is often dictated by others—when to eat, when to sleep, where to go. Offering a limited, parent-approved choice gives them the dose of autonomy they so desperately need, while ensuring the necessary task still gets done. It cleverly shifts the conversation from a "yes/no" battle to a decision-making process where they are an active participant.
The key is to only offer two choices you are genuinely happy with. Avoid asking open-ended questions like, "What do you want for a snack?" which can lead to a request for ice cream. Instead, frame it within the boundaries you’ve already set. This simple technique empowers your child, reduces defiance, and helps them develop crucial decision-making skills.
Examples:
- Instead of: "Put your shoes on now!"
- Try: "It's time to go. Do you want to wear your red sneakers or your blue boots?"
- Instead of: "Do you want to brush your teeth?" (The answer will always be no!)
- Try: "Time to brush your teeth. Do you want to use the strawberry toothpaste or the bubblegum toothpaste?"
2. "I see you're feeling [Emotion]. It's okay to feel that way."
Toddlers are experiencing a tidal wave of emotions they don’t yet have the words for. When you name their feeling for them—"sad," "angry," "frustrated," "disappointed"—you give them a gift. You're not just acknowledging their feeling; you're teaching them emotional intelligence. You're showing them that all feelings are valid, even if all behaviors are not.
This phrase is a powerful co-regulation tool. When you meet their emotional storm with calm empathy instead of dismissal ("You're fine!" or "Stop crying!"), you become their safe harbor. It tells them, "I see you, I understand, and I'm here with you." This connection is often all it takes to help them move through the feeling more quickly.
Examples:
- "I see you're feeling so angry that your block tower fell down. It's frustrating when that happens."
- "It looks like you're feeling really sad that we have to leave Grandma's house. It's okay to feel sad. We had a wonderful time."
3. "When we [do this], then we can [do that]."
Often called a "First/Then" statement, this phrase creates a clear and predictable sequence of events for your toddler. It's not a bribe or a threat; it's a simple statement of fact about how the schedule works. It helps their developing brain understand order and consequences in a neutral, non-confrontational way.
This works best when the "then" part is a natural next step in the routine or something the child is looking forward to. It frames the less-desired activity as a simple gateway to the more-desired one. Be consistent with it, and it will become a reliable way to guide your child through daily transitions.
Examples:
- "First we put on our sunscreen, then we can go in the pool."
- "When we put our toys in the basket, then we can read our books before bed."
4. "I won't let you [hit/bite/throw]. Hitting hurts."
Setting boundaries is one of the most loving things a parent can do, but the delivery matters. This phrase is firm, clear, and compassionate. It separates the child from the behavior. You are not saying, "You are bad"; you are saying, "This action is not safe, and my job is to keep everyone safe."
The key is to follow through with gentle, physical action. You might gently hold their hand or move them away from the situation. Then, offer an alternative for their big feelings. "I won't let you hit your brother. If you feel angry, you can hit this pillow or stomp your feet right here." This teaches them what to do instead of just what not to do.
Examples:
- Gently block their hand. "I won't let you hit. Hitting hurts people."
- Move the thrown object away. "I won't let you throw your cars. Cars are for driving on the floor."
5. "Can you help me with something?"
Is there anything a toddler loves more than being a "big helper"? This phrase is like magic. It instantly reframes a command into an invitation to collaborate. It gives them a sense of purpose, importance, and capability, tapping directly into their intrinsic desire to contribute.
Look for small, manageable tasks they can genuinely help with. This not only gets the job done without a fight but also builds their self-esteem and teaches them valuable life skills. You're not just getting them to put their cup in the sink; you're teaching them that they are a valued member of the family team.
Examples:
- Instead of: "Clean up your mess!"
- Try: "Wow, this is a big mess! Can you help me by putting all the books back on the shelf?"
- Instead of: "Get in the car!"
- Try: "Can you be my special helper and carry this bag of groceries to the car? You're so strong!"
6. "Let's do it together."
This simple phrase is a bridge of connection. When your toddler is resisting a task, it often stems from feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or simply wanting your attention. Offering to do it with them meets that need for connection head-on and transforms a lonely chore into a team activity.
This doesn't mean you have to do the whole task for them. It might just mean sitting with them while they get dressed, or starting the clean-up process with them. Your presence and partnership can provide the momentum and emotional support they need to get started and see it through.
Examples:
- "I know you don't feel like putting your pyjamas on. Let's do it together. I'll help with one arm, you do the other."
- "Cleaning up all these blocks feels like a big job. Let's do it together! You get the blue ones, and I'll get the red ones."
7. "It looks like you're having a hard time."
This is empathy in its purest form. It’s an observation, not a judgment. It communicates that you are on their side and that you see their struggle. So often, we jump to correcting the resulting behavior (whining, crying, giving up) without first acknowledging the difficulty that caused it.
Starting with this phrase opens the door for communication and problem-solving. It calms their nervous system because they feel seen and understood. It moves you from the role of enforcer to the role of supportive coach, ready to help them navigate their challenge.
Examples:
- Instead of: "Stop whining and just put your shoe on!"
- Try: "It looks like you're having a hard time getting that shoe on. The tongue part can be tricky. Can I help?"
- Instead of: "Don't get so frustrated with that puzzle!"
- Try: "It looks like you're having a hard time finding the right piece. Puzzles can be tricky sometimes."
8. "How can we solve this problem?"
Even very young children can begin to learn problem-solving skills. Posing a situation as a "problem" to be "solved" invites them to use their thinking brain (their prefrontal cortex) instead of reacting from their emotional brain. It makes them part of the solution, not the source of the problem.
You may need to offer suggestions, but the act of asking is what matters. It shows them that you trust their ability to think and that you value their input. This is a foundational skill for conflict resolution, creative thinking, and resilience that will serve them for their entire life.
Examples:
- "Hmm, we have a problem. You and your sister both want to use the red crayon. How can we solve this? Maybe we could use a timer to take turns?"
- "We have a problem. We need to leave for the library, but you want to keep playing. How can we solve this? Maybe you can bring one toy in the car with you?"
9. "You did it!" (Instead of "Good job!")
While "Good job!" comes from a good place, it's a form of external validation. It teaches kids to look to others for approval. A more powerful approach is to use descriptive, observational praise that focuses on their effort and the specific process they used.
Saying "You did it!" or "Wow, look what you built!" helps them develop their own internal sense of pride and motivation. You are simply the narrator for their accomplishment. Describe what you see: "You worked so hard to put on your own socks!" or "You stacked those blocks all the way to the ceiling!" This helps them recognize their own capabilities and persistence.
Examples:
- After they climb the slide for the first time: "You used your strong arms and legs to climb all the way to the top. You did it!"
- After they finish a drawing: "You used so many colors in your picture. I see a blue circle here and a long green line there."
10. "Let's have a do-over."
This is a beautiful, grace-filled way to correct behavior. Instead of shaming or punishing, it offers a chance to try again. It communicates the belief that your child is capable of getting it right and that mistakes are simply opportunities to learn.
A "do-over" is perfect for those moments when your child snatches a toy, uses a whiny voice, or makes a demanding request. You calmly state what happened, and then you model and invite them to try again in a more appropriate way. It's a reset button that rewires their brain for better social interactions without the baggage of shame.
Examples:
- "Oops, that came out as a yell. Let's have a do-over. Can you try asking me for a drink in your regular voice?"
- "Let's try that again. In our family, we ask for a turn instead of grabbing. Can you have a do-over and say, 'May I have a turn, please?'"
11. "I hear you. You really want [the thing]."
This is the art of reflective listening, and it is incredibly validating for a toddler (and frankly, for anyone). When you can't give them what they want—more screen time, a candy bar in the checkout line, to stay at the park forever—the first step is to acknowledge their desire.
Saying "I hear you" doesn't mean you agree or that you're going to give in. It simply means you understand. It lets them know their wants and feelings matter to you, even if the answer is no. This act of validation can often take the wind out of a tantrum's sails because the core need to be heard has been met.
Examples:
- "I hear you. You really want another cookie. I know, they are so yummy. The answer is no. We can have another one after dinner tomorrow."
- "I hear you. You don't want to go to bed. You want to keep playing. It's hard to stop playing when you're having fun."
12. "The rule is..."
This is a subtle but powerful way to depersonalize boundaries. Instead of making it a battle of wills between you and your child ("I said no!" or "Because I said so!"), you position yourself as an ally who is simply upholding a pre-established family or safety rule.
"The rule is..." makes the boundary feel less arbitrary and more like a simple fact of life. You and your child are on the same team, following the same rules. This helps maintain your connection while still holding the limit firmly.
Examples:
- "I know you want to splash all the water out of the tub, but the rule is: water stays in the tub."
- "You want to keep running in the parking lot. I get it! But the rule is we hold hands in the parking lot to stay safe."
13. "Let me know when you're ready."
This phrase is a game-changer for transitions. It hands a bit of control back to your child and removes the urgent pressure of an immediate demand, which is often what triggers resistance. It communicates respect for their timeline and their need to finish what they're doing.
Of course, this must be used within reason. You can't wait forever. But giving them a minute or two to process the transition and comply on their own terms can prevent a massive struggle. It shows you trust them to make the right choice, which in turn makes them more likely to do so.
Examples:
- "We need to leave in five minutes. Finish up what you're building, and let me know when you're ready to put your shoes on."
- "Bath time is over. You can have one more minute to play. Let me know when you're ready to get out."
14. "You remembered!"
Catch them being good! Positive reinforcement is far more effective than constant correction. When you notice your child doing the "right" thing without being prompted, celebrate it. This phrase specifically highlights their growing competence and memory.
This builds their confidence and makes them more likely to repeat the behavior in the future because they feel proud and capable. You're not just praising the action; you're praising the internal process that led to the action.
Examples:
- "You remembered to put your plate in the sink all by yourself! Thank you!"
- "Wow, you remembered that we hold hands to cross the street. Your brain is working so hard to keep you safe!"
15. "Let's race!" or "I bet you can't..."
When all else fails, turn it into a game. Playfulness is the language of childhood. A sudden shift from a serious, demanding tone to a fun, playful one can instantly diffuse tension and invite cooperation. A little bit of fun and silliness can make even the most mundane tasks, like cleaning up or getting dressed, feel exciting.
Use this one strategically so it doesn't lose its power, but keep it in your back pocket for those moments when you feel a power struggle brewing. Laughter and connection are powerful antidotes to defiance.
Examples:
- "Let's race to see who can get their pyjamas on first! Ready, set, go!"
- "I bet you can't put all the red blocks in the bin before I count to twenty!"
- "The Tidy-Up Monster is coming! Quick, let's feed him all these toys!"
16. "I love watching you [play/build/run]."
This phrase has no agenda other than pure, unconditional connection. It's not about what your child is achieving or doing "right." It's about simply delighting in who they are. Taking a moment to stop, observe, and voice your enjoyment of them fills their emotional cup like nothing else.
When a child feels seen, valued, and unconditionally loved, their need to seek attention through negative behaviors decreases. They feel secure in your connection. This is the foundation upon which all other cooperation is built. It's the ultimate power-struggle-prevention tool.
Examples:
- "I just love watching you concentrate so hard on your puzzle."
- "My favorite thing is watching you run and laugh at the park. You have so much joy."
- "I love watching you build with your blocks. You are so creative."
From Conflict to Connection
These phrases aren't magic spells that will instantly create a perfectly behaved toddler. They are tools. They are a starting point for shifting your parenting mindset from one of control and command to one of connection and coaching. It takes practice, patience, and a willingness to see the world from your toddler's perspective.
Start by picking one or two phrases that resonate with you and try to incorporate them into your daily rhythm. Be kind to yourself when you slip back into old habits. Every interaction is a new opportunity to try again. As I've learned in my work as a content writer for Goh Ling Yong, the goal isn't perfection; it's progress toward a more peaceful, connected, and joyful relationship with your child.
Which of these phrases are you most excited to try? Do you have a go-to phrase that works wonders with your toddler? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—we can all learn from each other!
About the Author
Goh Ling Yong is a content creator and digital strategist sharing insights across various topics. Connect and follow for more content:
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