Top 5 'Mutual-Respect-Modeling' Habits to practice for teenagers who roll their eyes at everything
You know the look. It’s a slow, deliberate rotation of the eyeballs, often accompanied by a sigh so heavy it could create its own weather system. The teenage eye-roll. It’s a universal symbol of disdain, a non-verbal "you are the most clueless person on the planet," and it can make even the most patient parent’s blood boil. It feels like the ultimate sign of disrespect, a blatant dismissal of your wisdom, experience, and authority.
When faced with this, our gut reaction is often to double down. "Don't you roll your eyes at me!" we snap. We might lecture, impose a punishment, or get into a power struggle that leaves everyone feeling angry and disconnected. But what if that reaction, while completely understandable, is actually counterproductive? What if the key to earning respect from our teenagers isn't about demanding it, but about modeling it so consistently and powerfully that it becomes the natural language of our home?
This is the core of 'Mutual-Respect-Modeling.' It’s a long-term strategy, not a quick fix for a bad attitude. It’s about shifting our focus from controlling our teen's behavior to controlling our own. By demonstrating the very respect we wish to see, we create an environment where eye-rolls become less frequent because the underlying frustration and disconnection begin to heal. It’s a tough shift, but it’s one of the most powerful investments you can make in your long-term relationship with your child. Here are five practical, powerful habits to get you started.
1. Practice Active Listening (Even When It's About Something 'Trivial')
We’ve all been there. Your teen launches into a dramatic, 15-minute monologue about a conflict with a friend or a "totally unfair" grade on a project. Your mind wanders to the grocery list, the unanswered work emails, the leaky faucet. You nod along, interjecting with an "uh-huh" or "wow, that's crazy," but you're not truly listening. Teenagers have a sixth sense for this. They know when they don't have your full attention, and to them, it feels like what they have to say—and by extension, who they are—isn't important.
Active listening is the antidote. It’s not just about staying silent while they talk; it's about making a conscious effort to hear, understand, and retain the information they're sharing. It means putting your phone down, turning away from your laptop, and making eye contact. It’s about listening to understand their feeling, not just their words. You don’t have to agree with their dramatic interpretation of events to validate their emotions. Showing them you’re fully present is one of the most profound ways to model respect.
How to practice this:
- Paraphrase and Clarify: When they pause, repeat back what you heard in your own words. "So, what I'm hearing is you feel frustrated because you studied hard for that test, but the questions felt completely unrelated to the material. Is that right?" This shows you were paying attention and gives them a chance to correct any misunderstanding.
- Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of offering immediate solutions, ask questions that encourage them to elaborate. "Tell me more about what the teacher said," or "How did that make you feel?" This communicates that you value their perspective and trust them to think through their own problems.
- Listen Without Judgment: Your primary job in these moments is to be a safe harbor. Bite your tongue on the "I told you so" or "Well, if you had just..." comments. Let them get it all out. When they feel truly heard, they are far more receptive to advice later on.
2. Apologize Genuinely When You’re Wrong
Parenting is hard, and we all make mistakes. We lose our temper, jump to conclusions, or say something we immediately regret. The temptation is to brush it under the rug, to maintain an image of infallible authority. But this is a missed opportunity. Modeling how to take accountability is one of the most powerful lessons in respect you can ever teach. When you apologize to your teen, you aren't showing weakness; you are demonstrating immense strength and integrity.
A genuine apology sends a clear message: "In this family, we are all human. We all make mistakes, and we all have a responsibility to repair the harm we cause. My respect for you is more important than my pride." This single act can defuse a teen's defensiveness and open the door to reconnection. It teaches them that apologies aren't for "losers," but for mature people who value their relationships. It gives them the template and the permission to do the same when they mess up.
How to practice this:
- Be Specific and Sincere: A vague "sorry about earlier" doesn't cut it. Be specific about what you’re apologizing for. "I'm sorry I yelled at you when I saw the mess in the kitchen. I was stressed about work, but that's no excuse. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
- Don't Add a "But": The word "but" invalidates everything that came before it. "I'm sorry I yelled, but you should have cleaned up your mess" is not an apology; it's a justification. Keep your apology clean and focused on your actions. The separate issue of the mess can be discussed later, once the emotional connection has been repaired.
- Don't Expect an Immediate Response: Apologize because it's the right thing to do, not to get a specific reaction. Your teen might still be angry or hurt and might not say "it's okay" right away. Give them the space to process it. Your job is to deliver the apology with sincerity; their response is their own.
3. Respect Their 'No' (Within Reasonable Boundaries)
As children grow into teenagers, their main developmental task is to figure out who they are separate from you. This process of individuation requires them to test boundaries, form their own opinions, and say "no." While a "no" to a reasonable request like "please take out the trash" needs to be managed, a "no" that establishes a personal boundary is something we need to learn to respect. If we constantly bulldoze their preferences, opinions, and personal space, we teach them that their feelings don't matter.
Respecting their "no" doesn't mean becoming a permissive parent. It means recognizing that they are a separate person with a right to privacy, personal taste, and emotional autonomy. It’s the difference between demanding they tell you every detail of their day and creating an environment where they want to share with you. Knocking on their bedroom door before entering, accepting that they don't like the same music as you, or allowing them to opt out of a family activity on a rare occasion are all deposits in the bank of mutual respect.
How to practice this:
- Ask, Don't Assume: Ask for permission. "Is now a good time to talk about your grades?" or "I need to put some laundry away in your room, is it okay if I come in?" This small courtesy shows you respect their space and time.
- Differentiate Between Preferences and Responsibilities: It's okay to respect their "no" to wearing the sweater you picked out for them. It's not okay to respect their "no" to finishing their homework. Clearly and calmly explain the difference between personal choices (which you can be flexible on) and family/school responsibilities (which are non-negotiable).
- Respect Their Emotional Boundaries: If they say, "I don't want to talk about it right now," honor that. You can respond with, "Okay, I can see you're not ready. I'm here for you when you are," and then walk away. This shows you respect their emotional process and builds the trust needed for them to open up later.
4. Speak to Them the Way You Want to Be Spoken To
This sounds simple, but in the heat of a frustrating moment, it’s anything but. When we're met with a surly tone or a dismissive eye-roll, it’s so easy to respond with sarcasm, yelling, or belittling comments. "Oh, do you have a problem?" or "Wipe that look off your face!" But when we do this, we are essentially modeling the very disrespect we are trying to eliminate. We can’t expect our teens to speak to us with calm respect if our default response is high-volume hostility.
Our tone, body language, and choice of words set the emotional thermostat for our home. If we consistently use a respectful, calm, and firm tone, it becomes the baseline for communication. This doesn't mean you can't be firm or set limits. It means you deliver those limits from a place of regulated authority, not reactive anger. Your teen is watching and learning from you how to handle conflict and disagreement. Show them how it’s done.
How to practice this:
- Use "I-Statements": Frame your concerns around your own feelings and observations, not their character flaws. Instead of "You're so lazy, you never help out," try "I feel overwhelmed and frustrated when I see dishes left in the sink. I need your help to keep the kitchen clean."
- Watch Your Volume and Tone: Before you speak, take a deep breath. A simple pause can be the difference between a measured response and an explosive reaction. Try to keep your voice at a normal, even level. If you feel yourself escalating, it's okay to say, "I'm getting too angry to talk about this respectfully. Let's take a 10-minute break and come back to it."
- Eliminate Sarcasm and Name-Calling: Sarcasm is often a way to express contempt, and it has no place in respectful communication. Likewise, labels like "lazy," "selfish," or "dramatic" are attacks on their character and will only fuel disconnection. Speak about the behavior, not the person.
5. Involve Them in Problem-Solving and Decision-Making
One of the biggest reasons teens become cynical and dismissive is that they feel powerless. They often feel that life is a series of rules and demands being handed down from on high, with no consideration for their own perspective. A powerful way to model respect is to show them that their brain and their opinion are valuable assets to the family. When you actively involve them in solving family problems, you shift the dynamic from a dictatorship to a collaborative team.
This doesn't mean they get an equal vote on everything. You are still the parent. But it does mean their voice is heard and considered. As my colleague Goh Ling Yong often emphasizes in his coaching sessions, true family harmony comes from collaboration, not compliance. When a teen feels like a respected contributor to family life, their sense of ownership and responsibility skyrockets. They are far less likely to roll their eyes at a solution that they themselves helped create.
How to practice this:
- Hold Family Meetings: For bigger issues (like screen time rules, chore distribution, or vacation planning), put it on the agenda for a family meeting. Let everyone have a chance to state their case and brainstorm solutions. This models democratic principles and respectful debate.
- Frame it as a Team Problem: Instead of "Your grades are a problem," try "We have a challenge in front of us. Your grades in math have slipped, and I'm concerned. What are your thoughts on what's going on, and what ideas do you have for how we can work together to get them back up?"
- Give Them Real Choices: Offer them agency wherever you can. "Your curfew on weekends is 11 PM. You can either be home by 11 and have your phone for the rest of the night, or if you're late, you'll lose phone privileges the next day. The choice is yours." This respects their intelligence and ability to understand consequences.
The Long Game of Respect
Let's be clear: these habits won't stop eye-rolling overnight. This isn't a magic formula; it's a fundamental shift in your parenting approach. You are playing the long game. You are building a foundation of mutual respect that will not only improve your relationship during the turbulent teen years but will also last a lifetime. The eye-roll is a symptom of a deeper disconnection. By focusing on modeling respect, you're not just treating the symptom; you're healing the cause.
The process will be messy. You will slip up and revert to old habits. The key is to be consistent, not perfect. Every time you choose to listen actively, apologize genuinely, honor a boundary, speak calmly, or collaborate on a solution, you cast a vote for the kind of relationship you want to have with your child. You are showing them, through your actions, what respect truly looks like. And over time, they will learn to speak that language back to you.
What are your biggest challenges when it comes to mutual respect with your teen? Share your experiences in the comments below—your story might be exactly what another parent needs to hear today!
About the Author
Goh Ling Yong is a content creator and digital strategist sharing insights across various topics. Connect and follow for more content:
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